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Stir Crazy, Depressed or just Down Trodden?

January 10, 2010

Not really sure which one of these I feel today, or am I just utterly fed up?  Usually I love to be indoors and get really stressed if I have too many things to do on weekdays, hairdressers, dentists, meeting friends etc as I do work a few days a week as well.  I don’t know how I ever coped as a single Mum working in London with 3 young children all those years ago, guess the house was a constant mess!  Anyway, I digress, I think the snow is getting me down, I haven’t been out properly since Wednesday, just a little snowy stroll up the local shop on Friday for essential provisions as Sainsburys had refused to bring my order on Thursday, but now I feel as if I need to get out and I guess it is just the “not being able to” that is doing my head in, the fact that the choice of whether to go out or not,  has been taken away by the treacherous conditions.  I am also very apprehensive after falling over in the snow we had before Xmas.  My side hurt for about 2 weeks afterwards!

TP stayed in Town from Wednesday night as being on an hourly paid contract, we couldn’t afford for him not to get into work and from what we heard, the commuter coaches were not coming up to where we live anyway, so it was just aswell as he would have had to walk a mile just to pick the coach up, as if getting up at 5am isn’t bad enough!

When he got home on Friday, I figured he might be pleased to see us, stupidly.  Well he was pleased to see his Son anyway!  Saturday morning he was talking about New Year, fresh start after having  joined a Gym in the City etc and I was hoping that might mean a change in attitude towards me but I couldn’t have been more wrong!  He has moaned and groaned his way through the last two days, picking up on everything I do from slamming the front door and making the screws in the lock loose, to moving my laptop whilst his Ipod was still attached to it, getting charged up and it hit the floor.  “Oh Fuck off” I feel like saying, just leave me alone but instead I have muttered under my breath and made a few hand signs behind his back. 

I feel kinda weird and a bit light headed and most certainly subdued.  He tells me that he is going to sleep at his Mums tonight in case the coach doesn’t come up this far, although I don’t think there will be a problem as things seem to be thawing out a bit today.  Then he informs me that he will most probably stay in Town again next week as it is easier anyway.  I have no objection to this whatsoever, except for our Son.  For me it is a bit of a relief to be honest, to be free of the constant moaning and nagging that us women are so often accused of, where do men get off on accusing us of this trait?  If he doesn’t like it here, why the hell does he not just Fuck off for Gods sake, or does he get some kind of pleasure out of seeing me, quiet and sad, not sure if I am coming down with something, pissed off or just heading to a deep dark place called Depressionville! 

Don’t even suggest I talk to him about it, I have done this many times.  I have begged him in the past to try and make this a happy marriage but it never works.  Everything I do or say, gets on his nerves and this is exactly how I was with my first husband, I just couldn’t stand him in the end and even to see the way he put food on a fork would make me want to kill him, so I know the signs, only difference is, I did something about it.

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The Ghost of Christmas Past

December 6, 2009

Luckily no major arguments in the MWF house lately, which is always a relief, anything for a quiet life, me.  Just a little incident the other night.  The Pig had been out on a Corporate Event for the day and came home really tired but in a good mood having had a really enjoyable day and that was nice to see.  Daughter 3 was out and came home about 8.30pm.  I had asked her earlier if she wanted a dinner and she had asked me to save her something.  I had only done sausages that day and my little man had a friend round after school so bangers and mash was the order of the day but for daughter 3 I had saved some swede, brocolli and roast potatoes from the previous days dinner as she doesn’t like mash.  The Pig had said supper wasn’t a problem when I spoke to him earlier and he would do himself something if he was hungry and when he got home he cooked himself some fish – Yuk!

Daughter 3 had come straight in, went to her room and  could be heard slagging someone off on her mobile.  I shouted up to ask if she wanted her supper and she said she would have it later.  At 9pm I was loading the dishwasher and shouted up again, asking could she get a move on, as if I was expected to make gravy etc I didn’t want to leave it too late, as was tired and wanted to go to bed.  At 9.30pm The Pig pronounced he was going to bed, at this point we had a few words, but nothing major, over his holdall, which was still on the floor with half of its contents spilling out.  As he walked past he kicked it and said he would sort it out later, which of course I knew he wouldn’t and it would be left there all week.  After a bit of banter, where I tried to reason with him, without losing my temper, he picked up his holdall and went upstairs.  Next thing I knew there was a load of commotion and shouting going on, so I ran upstairs prepared to diffuse any situation that had arisen to find TP shouting at Daughter 3 about food, saying things like “I am fed up with you wasting food”  “I didn’t have a dinner because of you” etc etc to which I walked in and said “oh for gods sake” trying to restore order and at this point TP came right up to my face and in a stupid voice, which is obviously supposed to be mine, mimicked me by saying “oh for gods sake”.  At this point he walked out of the room muttering about the state of it again (yes it is back to how it was, where you can’t see the floor at all) and grabbed her white towelling dressing gown which was hanging on her door and threw it, where it promptly landed completely over my head!  You know how things like this happen and you are left standing there looking like a complete Prat and  as if you are trying out outfits for Halloween?  As I stood there, shell shocked for a minute,  Daughter 3 could still be heard talking on her phone which she had continued to do throughout “The Pigs” rant, totally ignoring me and my new look and “The Pig” had left the room as he chucked the garment in, so had no idea what state he had left me looking in (this was obvious because he would have pissed himself laughing had he have seen how good a shot he was…..

Why did he even enter her room for a row over a couple of Richmond sausages and some leftover veg?  The size of the dinner would have been nothing more than a snack to him.  The whole scenario was completely uncalled for and he should know by now, you are best to leave teenagers alone in their rooms where they want to be and that if you are tired, it is best to completely ignore them even if food is wasted in the process.  Will he ever learn to leave her alone?  we all get dragged into it, it is just not worth it.

Escapades with Uni Girl

November 15, 2009

Uni girl came home last weekend for a friends birthday party on Saturday night.  TP met her at Liverpool St station after work, her with broken 4 week old laptop and as much washing as she could carry, in tow.  They caught the last commuter coach, 6.30pm and arrived home at 8.30pm.  I had been at work all day but had prepared the veg at 6am and got the stew on ready for their arrival as I felt the need to cook her a decent hot meal and served it with her favourite Tiger Bread.  At 10pm she headed off for bed and all day Saturday, worked in my Brothers shop to fund her night out.  After work she called in, grabbed some clothes and headed out informing me she would be staying at her Dads after the party.  Sunday morning she came home at 10am to get packed with the clean washing and ironing I had done and said her Dad was picking her up at 12 to drive her back to Uni.  It sure felt like a flying visit but he didn’t want to leave any later as it is a four hour round trip and they had to drop the broken laptop into Curry’s on the way. 

She had a hospital appointment on Wednesday, in London and upon checking online it appears that you can get train tickets much cheaper  but you need the debit card the purchase was made with, to collect the ticket.  I remembered that I had a pre-load card and trotted off up the co-op to put some money on it and came back and got the ticket.  £26 return, Colchester to London which would have been over £40 if she had bought it, on the day at the station.  We sorted out times for meeting on Wednesday at Liverpool Street. 

We met up fine, made our way to the hospital by tube and when we got in the clinic, was greeted with a sign saying that appointments were running an hour and a half late!  When she eventually got seen (at 5pm) the Registrar asked why we were there, as at the last appointment we had been told to wait for  a letter for an operation which the consultant said would be scheduled for her Xmas break between 18 Dec and 18 Jan and I expressed it be after Xmas, otherwise she may not be able to eat.  On a CT scan they have found extra bone on the side of her jaw which has been locked for three years and they intend to shave this off. She has had two failed operations in the past but just to try and get the jaw open.  Neither he nor us had a clue why we had been sent this appointment.

So basically, it was all a complete waste of time and huge amounts of money in fares.  I took her back to Liverpool St and then couldn’t get her on the train as we had bought an off peak ticket and had to pay another £20 to get her onboard – grrrr.

Yesterday her operation appointment arrived for the 15th December – fucking idiots! with a pre assessment appointment for 30th November!  Well they can go fuck themselves, I shall be having a complete fit on the phone tomorrow, incompetent bastards! and you guessed it, soft touch that Iam, gave her my laptop to go back with and I am left with the slow piece of shit I am currently typing on, which keeps missing out letters because the keyboard is shit aswell!

Does Asking Loads of Questions mean that one is a Control Freak?

October 25, 2009

At work on Wednesday, N was having a conversation with her husband which sounded exactly the same as my conversations with TP.  It was obvious he was asking her loads of questions and getting one word answers in return.  When she came off the phone I told her that my conversations with TP sounded similar and she said all he does is ask questions.  At this stage TP had already rung me twice and it wasn’t even lunchtime but lets take a normal day, usually when I am at home and the phone will ring just after 9am when I get back from school and will go something like this:-

TP: What took you so long? where were you? Me: In the kitchen getting the washing out of the machine.   TP: Oh.  What are you up to today?  Me: Same as usual, housework, washing et.   TP: Don’t forget to go round the Post Office and pay the phone bill .  Me: I won’t.  TP: Did little Man get off to school OK?  Me: Yes.  TP: and C?  Me: Yes.  TP: Oh right, um um I was gonna say something, what was it?………at this point I am usually thinking Fuck off and let me get on will you, you haven’t got anything of interest to say so why waste my time!

Now N said that her husband “ums” and “ah’s” almost as if he is thinking of something else to ask, another question and instead of getting off the phone he will keep her on the line whilst he racks his brains for another question.  BINGO!  It is official our husbands are the same as TP does that too.  In fact I wonder if all husbands are the same but some may work in areas where they do not have access to a phone i.e. a factory maybe?  N  mentioned the word “control freak” when we discussed the phone call situations, but I had never thought of it like that.  I have always called TP a control freak but that is more because everything has to be done his way, or no way at all and he always tells people what to do and if you have dealt with a matter without first getting his advice, you can guarantee you won’t have said or done the right thing and a row will no doubt ensue.

When phoning Uni girl last night, as I do everynight since she went 4 weeks ago, I realised that my conversations with her actually consist of me asking a load of questions and usually the same ones.  Are you OK? did you have any lectures today? have you spent any money? what are you doing now? are you going out tonight? what have you eaten?

So if N thinks our husbands calls and questions make them  Control Freaks do my phone calls to Uni girl mean that I am a controlling mother?  or just over anxious for her welfare?  Obviously I think it is because I care and not because I want to be an annoying question asking twat!

Feeling let down by others

October 2, 2009

One of my aquaintances/friends I have known for about 11 years.  She is originally from London, but when she moved here, she continued to work in the City and we used to commute on the coach together.  We used to get on and off at the same bus stop as she lived just around the corner to me.  As time passed, I left work to have my now nearly 9 year old Son and a year later she had her first child.  When my little man was a toddler I used to help out at a mates shop occassionally and my ex travelling companion always used to pop in and see me, whilst we would while away an hour putting the world to rights and she would ask all kinds of advice about childcare in general, nurserys, potential schools etc. 

Eventually she decided to send her eldest to the same school my son attends so for the past 3 years we have seen each other every day.  She has popped round in the holidays to pick up second hand uniform (I look after that for the school) and had a cuppa.  I wouldn’t say we have ever lived in each others pockets but I certainly class her as a friend.  She is also friendly with another friend of mine, who I know from another walk of life and she only knows from school, for purposes of this post we will call commuter friend C and the other friend M.  I had to pop into M’s shop today to pick something up and friend C was in there.  Now in the past I have done certain treatments ,that I do for a living on C and when I saw her today in M’s shop it was obvious that she had been somewhere else to have said treatment done.  I said “Have you had your …..done?”, “yeah” she said, looking slightly sheepish.  “Why didn’t you come to me?” I asked.  “Well I looked at F and Mrs P’s down the school and thought I liked the look of theirs so thought I would go where they go and give them a try”.  I could see that M looked extremely embarrassed as she tried to pretend nothing was going on, whilst munching on a Gregg’s sandwich.  “They were a really good price” said C to which I responded “so were mine with the mates rates I gave you” and with that she turned away to look at something in the shop and I just said “right I’m off to work, see you girls later”. 

I got outside and I was really upset, shell shocked even.  I honestly felt as though it was a real kick in the teeth that she had gone elsewhere for her treatment.  When I think about how I have put myself out for her on occassions in the past concerning said treatments by working late to accomodate her and also having her round the house to fit her in on days I wasn’t working if she wanted something doing.  I think I also felt awful because she has obviously asked F and Mrs P down the school about theirs, they both know that I carry out this treatment and that she is my friend, so how does that make me look?  What about when she went to the new person, did they ask if she had had this procedure before and did she say yes and that it was with me, which would make it look like my work is not good enough when I have enough regular customers to know that it is?

As the afternoon went on I could still feel the pent up hurt and anger, my cheeks were actually on fire, I couldn’t believe it, my skin was red hot!  I did no more at half past four, I rang M.  I said “look I am really sorry to ring but I can’t help but feel hurt and upset by C going somewhere else for her treatment and I don’t want to drag you into this, but I just needed to talk to someone about it” .  “Oh thats OK, I know its a loyalty thing, its like with the shop when other people buy clothes from somewhere else”.  “I know what you mean but its a bit different with clothes, if someone wants a red dress and you haven’t got one, they go elsewhere and if they go to a shopping centre, they aren’t not going to not buy something out of loyalty to you” I replied.  “No I suppose not, I was so embarrassed when you realised” she said.  “Yes I could tell, did C say anything when I left?” I asked.  “No nothing, she just got on with opening her birthday cards, look love, I’ve got to go, I’ve got a customer”.

So there I was, confused, hurt and angry with no answers.  Do I ignore her or just rise above it, its a hard one isn’t it?  and makes a change for me to be pissed off by someone other than “The Pig”.

Walking on Eggshells

September 20, 2009

As you may have gathered, one of the problems in “The Pig” and mine’s relationship, is the fact that sometimes I don’t feel as though I have done anything wrong to upset him, unyet he goes off “at a tangent”, for no apparent, or a very silly reason.  Take Friday for instance.

I was at home all day, I hadn’t felt great the night before, which he knew, so didn’t do much (nothing new there then!).  He rang late afternoon, spoke to Little Man, and asked via him, what we were having for Dinner.  I said I would probably get Daughter 2 to pick up something from the Chip Shop on her way home from Town and Little Man relayed this information along with the question, did he want some.  The answer came back as a No, he didn’t want reheated Chips, but may want an Indian.  That was fine, I was happy to order an Indian for roughly the time of his arrival.

Once he had began his commute home, he rang me.  TP – what did you have for Dinner in the end? Me – Fish and Chips.  TP – Fish and Chips, WTF? you make me fucking die you do.  Then he promptly hung up and I was left holding my mobile, feeling extremely bemused for a minute or two.  I then began to text the following:- Little Man said you wanted an Indian, I can’t c why you have got the hump, how many nice pub lunches have you had this week?  If you want an Indian, let me know what you want and I will order it.

As I pressed send, I got one come through from him which said the following:- You make me fucking die.  You were allegedly ill earlier and now you can eat fish and chips.  You are a waste of time.  Do not and I repeat do not, ring or text me, I will sort myself out when I get in, again.

Oops – too late, our text must have passed like ships in the night, but I mean honestly what the fuck bought that on because I am buggared if I know!  This is what I mean by treading on Eggshells.  Before he found out what we had eaten, he had been to Sainsburys and bought Brie and Pate and Crackers and not only that, we had told him in the afternoon what we were having, it was no big surprise.  How did it become an issue?  How many evenings do I sit and listen to detailed descriptions of what he has had for lunch, some delicious meal in a desirable location after I have just had fish fingers and oven chips with the kids.  I don’t “cop one”  and start shouting at him do I?  I may well be jealous but am always interested and here am I, unable to even get my dinner from the local Chipie!

At about 7.15pm, I got Little Man to ring him to enquire if he wanted an Indian ordered, but the response was negative and 45 minutes later he came in with the hump and I was once again, sent to Coventry.  At 9pm I asked for him to switch over to Strictly Come Dancing, but he said they were watching Derren Brown, so I took the Laptop with me and went upstairs to watch the rest of it (how dare they clash it for half an hour with Corrie).

Saturday morning, still very strained and at lunchtime I went to work.  When I got home, just after 6pm, there was a dinner on the worktop, I asked if it was mine, he said if I wanted it, which of course I did.  The meal was a hotpotch of leftovers mixed with other things.  There were leftover Jacket Spuds which he had taken the filling out of, mixed with something or other, returned to skins and put back in oven, delicious.  Then there was stir fry veg and noodles – the best  I have ever eaten (normally hate this kind of thing) and he had also put some meatballs in, not from a tin but those swedish ones you get from the meat counters which are currently 99p on offer in Sainsburys.  I praised his cooking skills and he told me that the girls (who had already gone out when I got home) had eaten all of theirs aswell.  Strictly Come Dancing which was on again, also helped to open up the lines of communication as he began to comment on the dances and the dancers.

I realised that the washing was still on the line, he hadn’t got it in, but I said nothing and went and got it.  I was dissapointed that on such a fine day, the fact it was left out, meant that it was very damp, after the sun had shone all day, but did I have a hissy fit about it? No.  There may be the odd occassion when I would have had a little moan, but I dont shout and scream about trival things, nor do I start trouble for the sake of it, it really is not in my nature.  Anything for a quiet life, me.

So I can sit back today and wonder what was it all about, the problem over my fish and chip supper.  Truth is I will never know.  Is it just a reason to have a go at me, a verbal punch bag for his angst which breeds immense resentment in me.

September 16, 2009

I received a text message at teatime yesterday saying “having a swift one with the boys”, him have a swift one, he doesn’t know the meaning of the word.  A few beers is out of the question, any kind of alcoholic consumption results in a night away from home and the hangover from hell, he just doesn’t know when to stop. 

Teatime today, a text message saying “on Coach, eta 8pm”, I didn’t bother with a response.  At 8.20pm, “The Pig”arrives, half cut.  Yes you got it, 3 parts to the wind.  How could he.  I was and am, really pissed myself but in a different way of course.

Saturday night, we had the pleasure of daughter 1’s company as boyf was at the pub watching the footie.  When she left to pick him up, she never mentioned that she was coming back, with him in tow, pissed up!  “The Pig” and I were not very happy but we didn’t say anything although it was discussed at length on Sunday morning.  I guess the daughter probably didn’t realise when she picked him up, just how bad he was,  but once here and witnessing his animated conversation it all became quite embarrassing.  It was a one off, I am sure, and on that basis, we said nothing and here I am tonight in the company of another drunk, twice in one week, oh lucky me – NOT.  This time it is far worse because a) it is my husband and b) my children have had to see him.  I don’t know how much he has drunk or what time he started.  According to him, he left work at 4pm which would mean just over 2 hours of slugging back the Vino, but to me he looks like someone who has spent the afternoon in the pub after an extended City Luncheon, which better not be the case as he is being paid by the bloody hour!  So I am trying to keep the peace as when pissed “The Pig” is either a) a pussycat or b) an aggressive bastard and I am taking no chances!