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Day Two

February 3, 2010

The morning passed without a phone call.  His Mum came up for me to help her understand how to work a Laptop she had bought herself and then I met V for a coffee.  All the time my mind is on other things.  I can’t help but wonder where it all went wrong.  We got married because we loved each other, surely.  I don’t think I have changed.  I wish I knew. 

The Pig has always done his own thing, so I am struggling to see how leaving us will make much difference to his life, unless there is somebody else involved.  Why would any man give up a home and family and certainly not a wife who puts up with his going out when he wants to?  I just don’t get it.  As I said in an earlier post, he has the best of both worlds.  If there is nobody else involved, why would anybody want to be a single man at 42, unless all your friends are in the same boat I suppose, you are only gonna get older and still be alone.  Being a husband and father has never come easy to him I guess, as he was never able to give up a former lifestyle.  I don’t believe it is natural for a married man not to come home at night, but I do know a few other guys who do the same thing, who also work in London, are also married, as you have to leave so early to get the last train home and a connection to where we live.  So perhaps it is not so unusual when I think about it.

Its strange when I think about how much he loves his Son, unyet what sort of Role Model is he for him?  He wants the best in life for his Boy, the best school, the best clothes, the best of everything, exactly as I do (strange how he thinks we have nothing in common, but our hopes and dreams for the children are the foundation for that) unyet he is the worst role model ever.  Our Son is witnessing his father, almost as if he has a hammer and chisel, chip away at me, bit by bit, picking me up on everything I do, now surely that can’t be nice for him can it.  He loves us both, but he is 9 now and has his own opinions of what is right and wrong and I know that he doesn’t want to see me upset.  He even comforts me if I am crying at a film! As a mother, I would be devastated to think that my son would ever be capable of behaviour he sees on an almost daily basis from his father.  Why doesn’t his Dad want to be someone the boy can look up to and grow up thinking my Dad is a good man, not I love my Dad but he treated my poor Mum like shit.  On his third night out last week the Boy asked me if  TP was coming home and when I said he was going out, he responded with “what again?”.  When I told TP this, he said the Boy had heard me say things like that in the past and had picked up on it.  When is he going to realise our Son is growing up fast and has opinions of his own and wants to see his Dad every night, not just when he can be bothered to come home because none of his friends are out on the piss. 

I also got to thinking about if there is somebody else involved, how long it would last.  I have mentioned before about how “The Pig” romanced me, with love and kindess and generosity.  I know he is a charmer when he is out and has had a few beers.  I can see how someone would fall for that, but what about when the Honeymoon period is over and he started treating that woman as he does me?  Not everyone would put up with it and the difference would be that he wouldn’t  have his son with him as he does now.  He could be in the same situation in a couple of years time, as he is now, except he could be with someone else and their kids instead of his own.  He is who he is and that is not going to change.  I am beginning to think “a leopard never changes his spots” has more truth to it than I previously thought!

Say he did move out and he can’t get another job for a while, imagine, no job, no home of your own and no wife.  I can’t make him stay if he doesn’t want me, nor love me and neither do I want to, but I am not sure what he really wants and wonder if he really does.  The Grass isn’t always Greener on the other side, I know that from past experience and so do most people I know, who have instigated a break up, they usually all end up regretting it, but leave it too late to make amends.  I am not bothered, if he makes that mistake, so be it, the sooner me and the boy pick up the pieces and get on with our lives the better.

Needless to say he went out last night so there was no opportunity to discuss anything.  He did ring to say he was going out and spoke to the Boy, so that surprised me.

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