More on “The Pig” (mainly farting)

Oh and some other stuff I forgot to mention about “The Pig” is that he also constantly moans about the fact he is the breadwinner, he keeps the roof over our heads, puts the clothes on our backs etc etc. Yawn bloody yawn, we hear it nearly every bloody day, so why don’t you shut the fuck up!

He also drops his clothes where he is standing to take them off and has this really bad habit of hanging his overcoat, suit jacket and tie over the lounge door – it really infuriates me! The overcoat and jacket get put back on the following morning but I end up with a selection of ties, multi coloured, ranging from Louis Vuitton to M&S, Paul Smith to Armani, hanging round the room, I mean, I’m all for quirky design features but it really takes the biscuit and what annoys me is, if Damien Hirst hung my husbands ties over an interior door in the middle of a large white space, he would get rave reviews and some prick would pay millions for it.

Also he is very fond of farting. The most disgusting smelly, Lager induced, trumps that are likely to embrace your nasal passages. The other week he came in from work, half cut (I reckon he bought some beers and had them on the coach on the way home), came in, swaying, took his jacket off, laid on the Sofa (still with his suit trousers and tie on) and promptly fell asleep (I, of course, ate his Supper). Anyway, he started snoring really loudly, I couldn’t hear the television and thought that a helicopter must have landed in garden, when suddenly the snoring stopped and his body went rigid. He stopped breathing (I thought about the insurance and his personal pension) and suddenly let out the most enormous fart I had ever heard! His body then released itself from its rigid position, relaxed completely (which was so visible it was untrue) and snoring was resumed. As the gassy, Cow like stench swept over me and my son, we just looked at each other in utter disbelief. The boy started laughing as I went to the kitchen for Air Freshner. I said to him “Boy, don’t you ever end up like that……..