Be careful what you wish for……
Monday is usually housework day, well the day I do downstairs anyway. Today I can’t be arsed although I have unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher, washed the worktops, cleaned the cooker top and swept through. I can’t be bothered to do anything else as I have run out of wood floor cleaner, the stuff I use to wash the floors and I am really fed up.
All I seem to do on this blog is moan, but it is a way to offload your innermost thoughts and feelings without having to share certain things you don’t really want to, with Friends.
The reason (as per usual) I am feeling pissed off, sad even, is The Pig. Nothing new there then, you may say, but trust me, this time feels different, is different. It feels as if, for the most part of January, that something has changed. The Pig has always been one for being a moaning, control freak, it is his way or no way, but he has been nastier than ever. I really have began to feel that I can’t do right for doing wrong at the moment and the eggshells I am constantly walking on, feel more like shards of glass.
I made a decision to try and talk to him about his behaviour, not always easy with a man who rarely opens up about how he is feeling but I kicked it all off with a text on Friday morning, rightly or wrongly but I wanted to provoke a reaction. Thursday was his third night out last week, it is usually one or two, and only on the odd occassion has it been three times. He did let me know, which is fine, and usually I would be filled with relief at a night of no moaning but on Thursday I wasn’t. As there has been a definate change in his behaviour, I began to wonder if he was up to something, a new woman in his life perhaps, so I sent him a text saying “Who were you with last night and does she know you are married with a child” he responded with “Shut up you twat”. I replied to that with “I know the signs and the way you have treated me recently is different from anytime before” and to that, I got nothing back.
Over the weekend he has constantly moaned at me, putting me down for everything I have done, or haven’t done. A few years back I used to work on Saturdays but had to stop that as when my girls got Saturday jobs I was often stuck with no childcare when The Pig went out on a Friday and stayed in London at a friends, so I tend to treat my weekends as a relaxing time, just like he does. I tend to avoid any major housework jobs and just do general tidying up, emptying bins, taking care of washing, ironing and washing up, nothing more than that. The reason I do this is because The Pig has always used weekends as a total ”downtime” and does nothing himself except relax and cook the odd meal. I get annoyed if I am working my arse off and he is just sat there, in front of the T.V. so I tend to do the bare minimum. This weekend I was really tired, I don’t sleep well during the week and it all seems to catch up with me and if I lay on the sofa, it is lethal. Saturday night I feel asleep on the sofa, sod all on the T.V. and bored shitless to be honest. I woke up to his moans and a face like thunder. You would have thought I had stabbed someone for his reaction, so that just topped off all the things I did wrong (in his eyes) during the day. He moans that I am always on the computer, but what else is there to do, except watch Television? We never do anything together, not even take our Son into Town for a McDonalds or something, as he says the place is full of “Skanks”.
Sunday morning I got in bed with him (don’t forget I have been banished to the spare room for over a year now with only the occassional invite into the marital bed) and tried to talk to him about what has been going on. The upshot is that he is fed up with me, he wants to move out. I asked what had brought about this decision and he said that at New Year he decided he couldn’t live like this anymore. He said we don’t get on, have nothing in common and I am not “interesting”. He did say he didn’t hate me, which I suppose means he doesn’t love me either. I asked when he intended to go and he said he needs to get some money together first, so God knows when that will be as his current work contract finishes at the end of March and who knows what will happen then, his last spell out of work lasted 16 months. If he is that desperate to go, he does have another option, as his Mum does have a spare room, so I don’t know why, if he feels that unhappy, he doesn’t go there. He will have a small amount of money coming his way, but that could be months away yet, so who knows if he will wait for that.
Yesterday, I couldn’t warm up. I stupidly laid on the sofa with a throw over me in the afternoon and guess what, I fell asleep. He woke me up at 3.15pm and I was supposed to go to the hospital with his Mum at 3.30pm, which wasn’t a problem, but oh no, he had a fit, put his shoes on and said I could stay home and cook dinner as it would give me something to do! What a fucking joke, from a bloke that can’t even pick his own clothes up off the floor or make a bed when he gets out of it! Does he honestly think that the housework fairy comes in on the two days a week I work and wash and iron his clothes? He always says things like “you never do any housework, or you don’t do it properly” it makes me fucking die, it really does, coming from a man who has never dusted or hoovered in the 10 years I have been married to him! Even on his stints out of work (and there have been many during the 10 years we have almost been married) he doesn’t lift a finger, he may empty a bin occassionally but the deal we came to, was that he cooked dinner during that time, he supposedly enjoys it and I don’t.
So here I am, stuck in limbo, not really knowing what is going on. I do feel upset and angry. Upset because I want to love him and it would be so easy to do so, a few kind words, the odd bit of attention, not feeling like you are the piece of shit he just walked in off his shoe. Angry because when I think back, I was 37 years old and he really wanted a child and I had one for him, not for me, I had three children and never believed I would have anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t swap our Son for anything, I adore him, but here is his father saying he is going to leave us, 10 years down the line when our son has just turned 9 and I feel at 47, it is not quite so easy to pick up the pieces of your life. I still have a son that needs childcare if I want to go out, although his father can go out as many times per week as he wants to, knowing that his son is well looked after, by me. If I just had the girls, I could get on with my life much easier but of course he doesn’t give a shit about that. He has his “London” life with his single male friends. I know for a fact there are many men out there who would like a wife who doesn’t go out getting pissed and making a fool of herself as lots of my friends do, or one who devotes herself to her family, in fact I was chatting to an old beau on Facebook a few weeks back after he had seen me on somebody else’s and added me as a friend, he asked if I was still married and said that my husband was lucky to have me. I thought to myself at the time, if only The Pig thought that, but obviously he doesn’t.
I know him well enough to know that if somebody else did come into my life, he would bloody hate it, someone else around his Son, perish the thought! It may never happen, I certainly wouldn’t go out looking for it, but if it is meant to be, then it will. You don’t have to go out clubbing to meet someone, it could be a Dad down the school or someone that comes into work, who knows? The thought of being with someone else feels weird and horrible at the moment, I would much rather stick with what I know, but I have to be realistic and will have to pick up the pieces and forge a life for myself, if he does leave, but it will be much harder at my age than it would have 10 years ago, before I married him.
I know that things have never been perfect nor how I would have chosen them. Who would want a husband who doesn’t go anywhere with you? Leaves you to attend Weddings, Parties etc alone and only has an interest in going out with his own friends? I suppose I have lived my life like a single parent anyway, so it won’t be much different for me, although it will devastate our Son and that is what will break my heart. I don’t believe it is so bad for girls, but boys need their Dad around and no matter how much he believes he will have regular contact with him, if he does move out and move on, will it really happen? Its not so bad when absent parents live locally. My first husband has had the girls every other weekend for years, but it is not the same as seeing them everyday. It is always the parents they live with, that have to pick up the pieces of problems at school, illness etc and I know from past experience how hard that can be when there is nobody to talk to about the problems your child is facing or to deal with the sick child whilst you strip the bed. I know its not easy, I did it for five and half years.
I honestly believe that the major problem is the lack of intimacy that has been bought about by us not sleeping in the same bed. Once that is gone, what hope is there? I heard him come up last night, about 15 minutes after me and I hoped and prayed he would come in and talk to me, cuddle me and say he was sorry and that he was having a Mid Life Crisis or something……
I don’t think he has a bad life really. He has the best of both worlds. He does exactly what he wants, when he wants and still has a home and family to come back to. Perhaps moving out would be the “short, sharp, shock” that he needs to make him appreciate what he has here. Then again, he may prefer to be on his own. He has always been a “Mans, Man” and even his Mum once said to me that she felt he should never have married, but I didn’t force him, it was him that proposed to me, paid for my divorce and romanced me like nobody had ever done before. I honestly thought I had hit the Jackpot with him and as much as I moan about him, I do have some nice memories, flowers at the office, chocolate covered strawberries from Godiva’s every Friday, romantic lunches at little restaurants around Spitalfields, him holding my hand at the hospital when our Son was born. Only problem is, as you can see, all those nice memories are from the early days and I can’t think of any romantic gestures over the last nine years, so perhaps it is time to let go….
I can’t believe the amount of times I have wished that he would leave and that now I could actually be faced with that happening. As my old Nan used to say “Be careful what you wish for……..”
P.S. Just read my last post, 10th January, where it is obvious even then, that something is wrong and that he hinted about a fresh start with the New Year although I obviously didn’t realise what it was back then. You may also be interested to read back to this post where I talk about sleeping apart here