The Dragon with The Knife

Oh dear, was relieved when Tuesday came (although couldn’t bear getting up at 6 again) just to get rid of “The Pig”, gain some normality and spend the morning having my tresses pampered by E. “The Pig” phoned at 6.30pm and said “I’ve missed the coach, I didn’t do it on purpose, honest, its just that I have only just left the office” my answer:- “Whatever” and I hung up. He has obviously forgotten I used to work up there myself and know that you can get a train from Cannon St at 6.45 or failing that, head over to Victoria which actually allows you to have a night out in London and still get home, as they run trains to where we live, up until – um Midnight? Doh?

Wednesday came and although I didn’t want to text him I had to, because he has a head like a sieve and I know he would have forgotten:-

Me: Just a reminder it is your sons parents evening tonight at 6.50. Suggest you get first train out of Cannon St so as there will be no excuses about traffic and your late arrival. You have only ever come once – I am sure he would appreciate knowing you are interested.

Him: I will call you later

I hate texting so that took me about ½ an hour and killed my arm.

He phoned me later:-

Him: So what time is this thing then?

Me: 6.50

Him: So when were you going to tell me?

Me: I told you the other week when the appointment came home

Him: I don’t remember

Me: You never do

Him: Is there really any point in me coming

Me: From your sons point of view, I should think so, yes

Him: Well I have to go now, I’m with people

Which to me is code for “I have had to come outside the pub to ring you”

Home from school, got boy sorted out, started cooking dinner

Child 1 says “I am going round the boyf so don’t need dinner – he is cooking me fajitas” Child 2 rings “I am going round boyf after school” I enquire as to whether she will be gracing me with her presence at the dinner table, explaining it is Spag Bol so won’t keep well if she doesn’t eat it fresh “Don’t keep me any then” she says and hangs up. Child 3 rings and says “I am going round Amy’s after school, we are having a pizza”. – why bother cooking? I could happily live off cake and save all that time in the kitchen making meals for ungrateful teenagers who don’t want to eat it anyway and a husband who never comes home. I give up!

The boy and I hadn’t long finished eating, child 2 comes home:-

Me: Hello Darling, are you hungry would you like me to cook you some fresh spagetti?

Her: Is there Garlic bread?

Me: Yes

Her: OK then

I trot off to kitchen and prepare her dinner, which she then eats, I do homework with the boy and start getting ready to go down the school. “The Pig” rings and says “I couldn’t leave early, I am just going into Marks and Spencer’s do you want anything?” I just hung up.

The boy: Mum something has happened to your mobile

Me: Show me

Him: The screen has gone black, I was just going to play snake..

I take the phone off him, it is as dead as a do do. I can’t get the back off and head to the kitchen for a knife. Child 2 is sitting at Dining table on her laptop.

Me to child 2: Can you help me?, I can’t get the back off my phone

She takes it and can’t get it off either so returns to looking at clothes on Asos

Me: Stop looking at bloody clothes and help me will you, I can’t go out without a mobile

Her: Does it need charging?

Me: No, it was charged last night

Her: I don’t know then

Me: That’s not good enough, you manage to sort out your own phones when they go wrong so why are you unwilling to help me? I’ve got to go out in 5 minutes, will you stop looking at that bloody laptop!

I was shouting by then and did the most awful thing, no don’t worry, I didn’t stab her, but I did hit the screen of her computer with the knife. Well how was I supposed to know it was Plasma or something? She stomped upstairs with tears in her eyes, I was screaming at Child 1 it was time for her to take me and at Child 2 to get back down here and look after her brother. I was in such a state when I got to the school. Of course my boy is a genius, he has done 2 practice SATS papers and achieved a level 3 in both, his teacher says he has a photographic memory and reading age of 10! As I left the Head Master said “He is a truly wonderful child, so intelligent, a pleasure to teach, so eager to please, you must be so pleased etc etc

I came home, alone, so happy at what I had just been told, unyet, deflated. I gave the boy a big cuddle. I was racked with guilt over the laptop. I cuddled child 2, kissed her lovely warm soft neck at least 10 times and apologised profusely.

“The Pig” failed to make an appearance although rang me this morning:-

Him: Where are you?

Me: In the kitchen

Where the f–k did he think I was? New York, Paris, Tokyo? Dick!

Him: How did it go last night?

Me: The usual, he is the brightest star in the planet but if you were that bothered you would have come wouldn’t you?

Him: Do you want me to come to his school quiz night on Friday

Me: Yes please, if you can tear yourself away from your mates…

He Hung up.

Granzilla (nicked that from Dulwich Mum – its brilliant!) has just turned up, reversed up my drive, hit my wheelie bin and smashed the back light on the Zafia – suppose that is my fault as well….

Just rang T-Mobile to report fault on 3 week old phone.  Whilst telling the operator what was wrong, it came on, perfectly………