Saturday and Sunday. Obviously Saturday didn’t start too well. I rang him about 9.30 and got no answer. I rang his Mum, she said “I have just spoken to him and I am going to ring him at 12.30 to see how far down the line he is” (meaning Train line for her to pick him up at the Station). I (in a rather high pitched voice) enquired, why 12.30, why so late? to which she replied “Well I told him not to rush, I will be out all morning and I am not giving up my Saturday morning”. Fucking charming. I was livid. It took all of my composure not to say “Oh no, but it was OK for me to give up my day off, all day Thursday up the fucking hospital with you”. Short memories some people. She then went on to suggest that I take our Son to work with me and she would pick him up when she had finished in Town. I refused, got a bit stroppy and said “no don’t worry, I don’t see why he should be dragged around and then over to the Station (10 miles away) I will just cancel my clients”. I then said “Bye” and hung up. Furious. Although I don’t know why I was so angry with her really, but she is not the kind of Gran who has a lot of time for the kids, whereas my Mum has always made a huge fuss of them. I guess I felt that instead of thinking about her Son and how she was giving anything up to collect him, she should have thought a bit more about her Grandson and me, the fact I needed to go to work. In the end I rang my Mum, who was more than willing to give up her Saturday morning and I booked a Taxi to collect her and then I got in it and went to work. £13 down, before I had even made any money at work.
I then rang “The Pig” and got an answer and started “going off on one”. Oddly he took it and never lost his temper with me at all. Strange.
When I got home from work, he was actually quite nice. He asked if I had had my hair done as it looked Blonder. I told him I hadn’t. He watched a programme I like and he doesn’t, and was actually commenting on it. Sunday the same, it was all rather pleasant. A bit of a moan when he thought we were out of Baked Beans when he was doing a fry-up, but we weren’t and he found them, so had a bit of egg on his face there!
Bedtime loomed and all was well, although I ended up back in the Spare room but only because I couldn’t sleep. I was running things around in my head and wondered if he had just said he wanted to leave because he was in a mood and didn’t really mean it. We all say things in temper we don’t mean, don’t we? Only difference is, us women are capable of saying “I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean that” whereas Men don’t and TP will rarely apologise.
Monday came and he rang at 8.10am, now that was a bit of a surprise. I didn’t hear the phone ring as I was busy, but Little Man spoke to him. Then later in the morning he called me. Another big surprise.
He came home, but seemed a bit moody again and a few words were exchanged, because he couldn’t find his Vitamin Tablets but they were where I said they were, but he asked why I had put them there. I did tell him not to “start” I couldn’t see why we should have a row over it.
I had seen this slot on GMTV in the morning, about Sex and Relationships and I heard them say that you should cuddle your Man for 4 minutes each day and that they find it a very nuturing experience, so had planned to do this. I went into him after he had gone to bed. He had been moaning that he was tired (nothing new there then) but I got in and said it was just for a cuddle. He didn’t seem too pleased but laid there giving no response back, as stiff as a board and cocked his head up for the News Headlines and when they were finished, he said “you can go now”. Charming. I said “this is a joke, can’t even sleep in my own bed when I have done so for the last 9 years” “I don’t sleep well with you in here” forgetting that he doesn’t sleep well when I am not in there, allegedly. Then he said “I’ve got a lot on my mind” and before I could enquire what, he quickly said “work, with work” – that didn’t feel right and I don’t want to become paranoid, but I don’t know what the Work problem can be. I know he is very busy with a huge workload but he has now been told his contract will be extended for a couple of months more than we thought and obviously, if he has got a load on his mind, I would rather he told me what is wrong, rather than leaving me to think its more than a work problem and there is other stuff going on with him that I don’t know about. So off I slunk, head spinning with thoughts. It all feels like a bit of a Head Fuck to be honest.
I didn’t broach the subject at the weekend about him leaving because I didn’t want to “rock the boat” when he seemed fine, but know that at some stage I will have to bring it up as I still feel I don’t really know where I stand.
On the Relationship thing on TV this morning, they said when you stop yourself having Sex you feel powerful, its like you are protecting yourself but after a while you begin to feel bad, but its hard to turn that sexuality back on. After being banished to the Spare room, I could relate to what they were saying and wondered if that was what TP was doing, but thought that Sunday night was a breakthrough. Only time will tell.
I usually work on Fridays but not this Friday. I am working Saturday instead. When I mentioned the change of plan to “The Pig” the other night, he kinda rolled his eyes and the sides of his mouth sort of twitched. I don’t know why. If this man doesn’t want to be with me you’d have thought he would be grateful that I wouldn’t be around for one of his two days off, wouldn’t you? Perhaps he already had plans for a Friday night out and didn’t plan on having to be around Saturday morning for his Son. As I type this at 4.45pm, his Son has been home from school for well over an hour and we have had no phone call. Admittedly he could be in a Meeting or busy and this week he seems to have stopped ringing him as soon as we get home (which he always used to do). Needless to say he hasn’t rung me all day. This from a man that used to ring me numerous times a day with nothing of great interest to say and usually when my hands were either in the sink or down the toilet.
My cheeks are burning, a sure fire sign that my blood pressure is rising, as I already begin to worry about tomorrows childcare if he doesn’t come home. I shall wait till about 6pm and if we haven’t heard from him, I will text to remind him that I am working tomorrow as no doubt he will go out and say he completely forgot, or deny that I ever told him. Not that a simple little text would stop him from doing exactly as he wants because I know it wouldn’t make one iota of difference to him, if he wants to go out, he will, end of.
I waited till 5.40pm and text him. That was 20 minutes ago and no reply. WTF? I just said don’t forget I am working tomorrow as I told you the other night and why haven’t you rung your Son. Soon after my text, the landline rang, and little Man ran to it, but it wasn’t his Dad. That is the third time it has rung since he has been home from school and each time he has run to it, obviously thinking it is his Dad. He deserves better than this, a decent Father who doesn’t put his friends and a few pints before his own child. I can see I will be frantically trying to organise something in the morning. Childcare has been a nightmare with only one daughter left at home who has a Saturday job. No doubt I will have to find a way of getting my Mum up here, even though, when it suits him, TP says she is too old and that he doesn’t want her looking after him, not that at nine years old, he needs much looking after, more like he looks after her. TP’s Mum goes to Tesco on a Saturday morning with her friend and they have breakfast there and I know for a fact, she wouldn’t give that up to look after her Grandson, she is not really like that and rarely looks after, although she is good to us in other ways.
Well its now 6.40pm and he obviously isn’t coming home as he hasn’t rung or text to say he is on the coach and he always does. I am so freaking mad. His going out doesn’t usually bother me, but when he knows I have work! What a complete Wanker!
Thursday. Boring waste of a day. I know that sounds horrible as I spent it with my Mother in Law, she had to go for a pre-assessment for a future minor op. It was seeing the Nurse, then go for a blood test, an ECG, then we waited 1 1/2 hrs for her prescription. We left at 10am and I got home just before School. I was just doing my duty. Can’t really say No, can you? Trying to be the dutiful Daughter in Law, like I was the other week, when I cut his Dad’s hair. His Dad has been in hospital since September and I have done more than my fair share, considering it isn’t my Dad. As “The Pig” can only really visit on weekends due to his long work day, very often I go one day, as he doesn’t want to go on both of his days off. Does he appreciate the fact that I have done this – I doubt it. I know his Mum is grateful and I do it to help her out aswell but even so, the upshot is, if he wasn’t my husband with the parents he has, I wouldn’t have to do it, would I?
I didn’t hear from him all day. He rang about 4.30pm and spoke to the Boy. Every time he speaks to him, he always says “Is Mum there” and I know this because our Son always says “yeah Mum is here”. Honestly, where does he think I am? The Boy handed the phone over because he wanted to speak to me. He just asked if his Mum had got on OK and then proceeded to tell me that he had the hump with me because I had woken him up in the night and he said he never got back to sleep. I just said “Nothing new there then” (meaning about me giving him the hump) and he said “I will speak to you later” which I assumed meant he would either ring or text one of us to say he was either on his way home, or was going out. He did neither. At 8.20pm I gathered he was a “no show” and the Boy asked me if his Dad was coming home. I told him I didn’t think so as he would have been in by now and the Boy said “well he didn’t say he was going out when he spoke to me” . I just shrugged and said he must have forgotten. Always covering for him, as you have to, to spare the kids feelings.
Wednesday. I was working all day. I texted him to ask if I could get £20 out of the account to pay for my waxing and no sooner had I pressed send, as the work phone rang and it was him. He said there was no problem but why did I ask, as I don’t usually. I just said that things are different now and he didn’t press the issue any further.
I cooked Spagetti Bolognese last night but he said he didn’t want any when he came in. Not even half an hour later, he was in the kitchen dishing himself up a plate of the meat and I offered to cook some fresh spagetti but he declined. He came into the lounge with a plate of the mince topped off with some grated cheese and a few mouthfuls in, shuddered with disgust and pulled this massive long hair (mine obviously) out of his mouth and threw it on the floor! Oh the horror I felt inside, I can’t tell you. I wanted to laugh but I know how he feels about these things. “Look at this” he said, with a face screwed up like a bulldog chewing a wasp. “Well I can’t help it” I said, “what do you want me to do wear a chef’s hat and a hairnet?”. He then handed the plate out towards me and said “here you are, take it out” I replied with “no your alright, I am not a waitress, if you don’t want it, you take it out” . Luck really isn’t on my side at the moment is it?
He later insisted that we put up a Beauty Bed I had bought as he wanted to see what it was like, to make sure it was sturdy and in good condition. I got it for an absolute “song” anyway, compared to what they cost new. Now that Daughter 1 wants to take her bed, I am planning to convert her bedroom, so that I can do clients from home, just for when people want things done on days I don’t work. I will really need to build up my client base, especially if he leaves, well even if he doesn’t, I need more money to assist in paying out for Daughter 2 at Uni. We were struggling a bit, as you do with a new piece of equipment and at one stage the bed collapsed, trapping my hand, which is and feels crushed, it really bloody hurts to be honest, thank God its my left!
I was telling my friend about the plans for the room and she said “I really admire you, you worked in London for all those years but since you have had the little one, you are always doing something and re-training in Beauty at your age, there are not many women who would even bother to enter a whole new industry. It took me back to a time when “The Pig” had once said I was full of ideas and always trying something new, but I am sure now, it means nothing to him, he doesn’t care and rarely takes an interest. I tried to tell him about something at work on Sunday and he just said “I am not interested”. He doesn’t seem to realise that I gave up my Job in London because I was having his Son and we considered my Mum to be too old to look after him as she had done with my Girls. Sure I could go back to work in London, bring home a good wage and release some pressure off of him but who is going to look after the Boy from 3.20pm until 7.30pm when I get home, or worse still in the mornings, when the last coach leaves at 6.45am? I have made sacrifices to give him the Child he wanted, but as with most men who want to go their own way, all that is forgotten now. I have just tried to do the best I can to bring in some extra income, my ideas haven’t always been successful, but at least I have tried. There are lots of women who wouldn’t even bother. Even with all the time he has been out of work, I have never seen him sitting at the computer, listing on Ebay, it is always me, sorting things out, trying to make a few quid. Does it never enter his head that I may actually miss being “up town”, nice lunches at nice restaurants, just having a life?
The morning passed without a phone call. His Mum came up for me to help her understand how to work a Laptop she had bought herself and then I met V for a coffee. All the time my mind is on other things. I can’t help but wonder where it all went wrong. We got married because we loved each other, surely. I don’t think I have changed. I wish I knew.
The Pig has always done his own thing, so I am struggling to see how leaving us will make much difference to his life, unless there is somebody else involved. Why would any man give up a home and family and certainly not a wife who puts up with his going out when he wants to? I just don’t get it. As I said in an earlier post, he has the best of both worlds. If there is nobody else involved, why would anybody want to be a single man at 42, unless all your friends are in the same boat I suppose, you are only gonna get older and still be alone. Being a husband and father has never come easy to him I guess, as he was never able to give up a former lifestyle. I don’t believe it is natural for a married man not to come home at night, but I do know a few other guys who do the same thing, who also work in London, are also married, as you have to leave so early to get the last train home and a connection to where we live. So perhaps it is not so unusual when I think about it.
Its strange when I think about how much he loves his Son, unyet what sort of Role Model is he for him? He wants the best in life for his Boy, the best school, the best clothes, the best of everything, exactly as I do (strange how he thinks we have nothing in common, but our hopes and dreams for the children are the foundation for that) unyet he is the worst role model ever. Our Son is witnessing his father, almost as if he has a hammer and chisel, chip away at me, bit by bit, picking me up on everything I do, now surely that can’t be nice for him can it. He loves us both, but he is 9 now and has his own opinions of what is right and wrong and I know that he doesn’t want to see me upset. He even comforts me if I am crying at a film! As a mother, I would be devastated to think that my son would ever be capable of behaviour he sees on an almost daily basis from his father. Why doesn’t his Dad want to be someone the boy can look up to and grow up thinking my Dad is a good man, not I love my Dad but he treated my poor Mum like shit. On his third night out last week the Boy asked me if TP was coming home and when I said he was going out, he responded with “what again?”. When I told TP this, he said the Boy had heard me say things like that in the past and had picked up on it. When is he going to realise our Son is growing up fast and has opinions of his own and wants to see his Dad every night, not just when he can be bothered to come home because none of his friends are out on the piss.
I also got to thinking about if there is somebody else involved, how long it would last. I have mentioned before about how “The Pig” romanced me, with love and kindess and generosity. I know he is a charmer when he is out and has had a few beers. I can see how someone would fall for that, but what about when the Honeymoon period is over and he started treating that woman as he does me? Not everyone would put up with it and the difference would be that he wouldn’t have his son with him as he does now. He could be in the same situation in a couple of years time, as he is now, except he could be with someone else and their kids instead of his own. He is who he is and that is not going to change. I am beginning to think “a leopard never changes his spots” has more truth to it than I previously thought!
Say he did move out and he can’t get another job for a while, imagine, no job, no home of your own and no wife. I can’t make him stay if he doesn’t want me, nor love me and neither do I want to, but I am not sure what he really wants and wonder if he really does. The Grass isn’t always Greener on the other side, I know that from past experience and so do most people I know, who have instigated a break up, they usually all end up regretting it, but leave it too late to make amends. I am not bothered, if he makes that mistake, so be it, the sooner me and the boy pick up the pieces and get on with our lives the better.
Needless to say he went out last night so there was no opportunity to discuss anything. He did ring to say he was going out and spoke to the Boy, so that surprised me.
I have decided to post every day if possible, during this traumatic time, when I don’t know if my husband is moving out or not.
He rang yesterday, which I didn’t expect, but it was only to ask about a Jubilee Clip for the washing machine hose. He was pleasant enough. He rang Little Man when he got home from school, as he does most days. He text me to say he was on his way home and when he got in, he wasn’t too bad. No major problems and he wasn’t really nasty as he had been all weekend, well all month really.
Nothing was mentioned about him moving out, but this morning I got to thinking, that I can’t just carry on as if he never said those things at the weekend. If he has decided he wants to go, then he should go. It isn’t fair to a) carry on as if nothing has happened and b) he should go and stay at his Mums, if things are that bad here for him. Why should I spent the next, God knows how long, just waiting for him to turn round and say “right I’m off”. I don’t think he should use money as an excuse, other people don’t, they just get on with it and go and sort finances out later.
I have also been thinking a lot about how he has been getting on at me, picking on me for the slightest thing I have or haven’t done, and it has made me wonder if this has become a habit, even though, it was his behaviour getting worse than ever, that made me think, things were different this time. Has being picky and nasty become a habit? Does he get a kick out of it? The more I think about it, the more I think that acting this way can’t make him happy at all. I Imagine him coming home from work, walking in with a smile, kissing me on the cheek as I get on with his dinner, greeting his son with a big smile and a hug and wonder how much better he would feel than on a normal night when he walks in and says “Who’s bloody shoes are they I just nearly tripped over in the hall”, “who’s bag is that on the floor” ”why are the lights on upstairs?”. Its hard to explain but can you see where I am coming from? Just to relax a bit instead of walking in looking for something or someone to pick on. The way he acts like he dreads coming home, rubs off on us as we dread it aswell and everybody’s back’s are up, instantly, which causes tension from the outset. I don’t know if anything would ever make him a happy person, except being in the pub with his mates, but nobody can do that 24/7.
I am going into town today to meet up with my friend V and have a coffee. I won’t be discussing any of this with her, I don’t think it is worth it until things are clear and I know what is happening. He always accusses me of not doing anything, so I may as well not, just enjoy the days I have off work, having a laugh with friends, just like he does!
And to think they call Simon Cowell, Mr Nasty!
Monday is usually housework day, well the day I do downstairs anyway. Today I can’t be arsed although I have unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher, washed the worktops, cleaned the cooker top and swept through. I can’t be bothered to do anything else as I have run out of wood floor cleaner, the stuff I use to wash the floors and I am really fed up.
All I seem to do on this blog is moan, but it is a way to offload your innermost thoughts and feelings without having to share certain things you don’t really want to, with Friends.
The reason (as per usual) I am feeling pissed off, sad even, is The Pig. Nothing new there then, you may say, but trust me, this time feels different, is different. It feels as if, for the most part of January, that something has changed. The Pig has always been one for being a moaning, control freak, it is his way or no way, but he has been nastier than ever. I really have began to feel that I can’t do right for doing wrong at the moment and the eggshells I am constantly walking on, feel more like shards of glass.
I made a decision to try and talk to him about his behaviour, not always easy with a man who rarely opens up about how he is feeling but I kicked it all off with a text on Friday morning, rightly or wrongly but I wanted to provoke a reaction. Thursday was his third night out last week, it is usually one or two, and only on the odd occassion has it been three times. He did let me know, which is fine, and usually I would be filled with relief at a night of no moaning but on Thursday I wasn’t. As there has been a definate change in his behaviour, I began to wonder if he was up to something, a new woman in his life perhaps, so I sent him a text saying “Who were you with last night and does she know you are married with a child” he responded with “Shut up you twat”. I replied to that with “I know the signs and the way you have treated me recently is different from anytime before” and to that, I got nothing back.
Over the weekend he has constantly moaned at me, putting me down for everything I have done, or haven’t done. A few years back I used to work on Saturdays but had to stop that as when my girls got Saturday jobs I was often stuck with no childcare when The Pig went out on a Friday and stayed in London at a friends, so I tend to treat my weekends as a relaxing time, just like he does. I tend to avoid any major housework jobs and just do general tidying up, emptying bins, taking care of washing, ironing and washing up, nothing more than that. The reason I do this is because The Pig has always used weekends as a total ”downtime” and does nothing himself except relax and cook the odd meal. I get annoyed if I am working my arse off and he is just sat there, in front of the T.V. so I tend to do the bare minimum. This weekend I was really tired, I don’t sleep well during the week and it all seems to catch up with me and if I lay on the sofa, it is lethal. Saturday night I feel asleep on the sofa, sod all on the T.V. and bored shitless to be honest. I woke up to his moans and a face like thunder. You would have thought I had stabbed someone for his reaction, so that just topped off all the things I did wrong (in his eyes) during the day. He moans that I am always on the computer, but what else is there to do, except watch Television? We never do anything together, not even take our Son into Town for a McDonalds or something, as he says the place is full of “Skanks”.
Sunday morning I got in bed with him (don’t forget I have been banished to the spare room for over a year now with only the occassional invite into the marital bed) and tried to talk to him about what has been going on. The upshot is that he is fed up with me, he wants to move out. I asked what had brought about this decision and he said that at New Year he decided he couldn’t live like this anymore. He said we don’t get on, have nothing in common and I am not “interesting”. He did say he didn’t hate me, which I suppose means he doesn’t love me either. I asked when he intended to go and he said he needs to get some money together first, so God knows when that will be as his current work contract finishes at the end of March and who knows what will happen then, his last spell out of work lasted 16 months. If he is that desperate to go, he does have another option, as his Mum does have a spare room, so I don’t know why, if he feels that unhappy, he doesn’t go there. He will have a small amount of money coming his way, but that could be months away yet, so who knows if he will wait for that.
Yesterday, I couldn’t warm up. I stupidly laid on the sofa with a throw over me in the afternoon and guess what, I fell asleep. He woke me up at 3.15pm and I was supposed to go to the hospital with his Mum at 3.30pm, which wasn’t a problem, but oh no, he had a fit, put his shoes on and said I could stay home and cook dinner as it would give me something to do! What a fucking joke, from a bloke that can’t even pick his own clothes up off the floor or make a bed when he gets out of it! Does he honestly think that the housework fairy comes in on the two days a week I work and wash and iron his clothes? He always says things like “you never do any housework, or you don’t do it properly” it makes me fucking die, it really does, coming from a man who has never dusted or hoovered in the 10 years I have been married to him! Even on his stints out of work (and there have been many during the 10 years we have almost been married) he doesn’t lift a finger, he may empty a bin occassionally but the deal we came to, was that he cooked dinner during that time, he supposedly enjoys it and I don’t.
So here I am, stuck in limbo, not really knowing what is going on. I do feel upset and angry. Upset because I want to love him and it would be so easy to do so, a few kind words, the odd bit of attention, not feeling like you are the piece of shit he just walked in off his shoe. Angry because when I think back, I was 37 years old and he really wanted a child and I had one for him, not for me, I had three children and never believed I would have anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t swap our Son for anything, I adore him, but here is his father saying he is going to leave us, 10 years down the line when our son has just turned 9 and I feel at 47, it is not quite so easy to pick up the pieces of your life. I still have a son that needs childcare if I want to go out, although his father can go out as many times per week as he wants to, knowing that his son is well looked after, by me. If I just had the girls, I could get on with my life much easier but of course he doesn’t give a shit about that. He has his “London” life with his single male friends. I know for a fact there are many men out there who would like a wife who doesn’t go out getting pissed and making a fool of herself as lots of my friends do, or one who devotes herself to her family, in fact I was chatting to an old beau on Facebook a few weeks back after he had seen me on somebody else’s and added me as a friend, he asked if I was still married and said that my husband was lucky to have me. I thought to myself at the time, if only The Pig thought that, but obviously he doesn’t.
I know him well enough to know that if somebody else did come into my life, he would bloody hate it, someone else around his Son, perish the thought! It may never happen, I certainly wouldn’t go out looking for it, but if it is meant to be, then it will. You don’t have to go out clubbing to meet someone, it could be a Dad down the school or someone that comes into work, who knows? The thought of being with someone else feels weird and horrible at the moment, I would much rather stick with what I know, but I have to be realistic and will have to pick up the pieces and forge a life for myself, if he does leave, but it will be much harder at my age than it would have 10 years ago, before I married him.
I know that things have never been perfect nor how I would have chosen them. Who would want a husband who doesn’t go anywhere with you? Leaves you to attend Weddings, Parties etc alone and only has an interest in going out with his own friends? I suppose I have lived my life like a single parent anyway, so it won’t be much different for me, although it will devastate our Son and that is what will break my heart. I don’t believe it is so bad for girls, but boys need their Dad around and no matter how much he believes he will have regular contact with him, if he does move out and move on, will it really happen? Its not so bad when absent parents live locally. My first husband has had the girls every other weekend for years, but it is not the same as seeing them everyday. It is always the parents they live with, that have to pick up the pieces of problems at school, illness etc and I know from past experience how hard that can be when there is nobody to talk to about the problems your child is facing or to deal with the sick child whilst you strip the bed. I know its not easy, I did it for five and half years.
I honestly believe that the major problem is the lack of intimacy that has been bought about by us not sleeping in the same bed. Once that is gone, what hope is there? I heard him come up last night, about 15 minutes after me and I hoped and prayed he would come in and talk to me, cuddle me and say he was sorry and that he was having a Mid Life Crisis or something……
I don’t think he has a bad life really. He has the best of both worlds. He does exactly what he wants, when he wants and still has a home and family to come back to. Perhaps moving out would be the “short, sharp, shock” that he needs to make him appreciate what he has here. Then again, he may prefer to be on his own. He has always been a “Mans, Man” and even his Mum once said to me that she felt he should never have married, but I didn’t force him, it was him that proposed to me, paid for my divorce and romanced me like nobody had ever done before. I honestly thought I had hit the Jackpot with him and as much as I moan about him, I do have some nice memories, flowers at the office, chocolate covered strawberries from Godiva’s every Friday, romantic lunches at little restaurants around Spitalfields, him holding my hand at the hospital when our Son was born. Only problem is, as you can see, all those nice memories are from the early days and I can’t think of any romantic gestures over the last nine years, so perhaps it is time to let go….
I can’t believe the amount of times I have wished that he would leave and that now I could actually be faced with that happening. As my old Nan used to say “Be careful what you wish for……..”
P.S. Just read my last post, 10th January, where it is obvious even then, that something is wrong and that he hinted about a fresh start with the New Year although I obviously didn’t realise what it was back then. You may also be interested to read back to this post where I talk about sleeping apart here